I always thought I would have a big family, whether I wanted it or not. My mother was one of 12, my father was one of 7, and I was the oldest of 6.
I grew up stomping on corpses at crowded holiday parties and playing giant games of capture the flag with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. It was fun growing up with lots of playmates, but more importantly, having children was seen as an important part of our conservative Catholic identity.
Motherhood is a sacrificial duty that secures my place in heaven. I never considered if this was what I wanted because I was supposed to live according to God’s plan and not my own.
When I left the church I thought I had gained freedom of choice
As I’ve gotten older, this type of rhetoric has made me feel trapped. I got married at 22 but put off having children in favor of going to grad school and pursuing my dream career, even though it felt like I was on borrowed time. When I finally left the Catholic Church in my twenties, I was suddenly free to ask myself what I wanted my life to look like. For the first time, I imagined my life without children, imagining international vacations, friendships, and hobbies. I also imagined life as a parent, complete with bedtime stories, birthdays and football games.
The author and her husband bought a house with extra rooms. Provided by the author
My husband and I have been weighing the merits of these two life paths for years. I finished grad school and we bought a house in Minneapolis with an extra bedroom, just in case. Now, at age 32, this is, in theory, the ideal time to get serious about kids. But considering our mortgage, home repairs and other bills, it feels like another outside force is making the decision for us.
we have student loans
My husband works as a physical therapist and makes a living salary, but he also has about $100,000 in student loans. I’m a university lecturer and the academic job market forces me into multiple part-time jobs that don’t offer benefits or maternity leave.
Our monthly budget is very strict. Our income goes toward mortgage, loan, health insurance, gas, groceries, and Roth IRA. We set aside a little money to rebuild our emergency savings. While we could have made different choices, such as renting instead of buying or seeking corporate jobs, the reality was there was little we could do, let alone take an international vacation or have a baby.
We can’t afford to raise a child
When I was a child in the early 2000s, my father was an electrician and the sole provider for our growing family of eight. We lived on crap sandwiches, coupons, and hand-me-downs. Money was tight, but we owned a house in a safe suburb, and my parents sent their six children from K-8 to Catholic school. We can sacrifice the little things to take on the big things.
The author is the eldest of six children. Provided by the author
Now, the economy is different. We can’t afford to keep one of them at home, and there aren’t enough coupons in the world to cover the ever-increasing cost of daycare, which is about $15,000 per year in Minnesota. My parents paid $120,000 for their first home in 1997, and my husband and I bought the same size house for $330,000. The cost of gas and groceries continues to rise. Add hospital bills and diapers to that list, and the numbers don’t add up.
My situation is too common
I’m not the only one frustrated. A MassMutual report found that 23% of Millennial and Gen Z adults do not plan to become parents due to financial constraints. Additionally, an estimated 30% of Millennials with at least one child say they would not have more children due to cost.
My partner would be an amazing father. I would love to see him teach our children to read or ride bikes. Part of me longs to nurture children at all stages of their lives, not for moral reasons, but for the joy of who they become.
Unfortunately, this is not a reality worth thinking about as we struggle with our daily lives.