My husband is always trying to grow – as a husband, father, entrepreneur and overall good person. Our marriage is not perfect, but we are always willing to listen to each other, work through challenges, and find solutions together.
But when he recently texted me while arguing with me about his “ideas and plans” via a ChatGPT thread, I didn’t know how to respond.
His tips were brief, but honest and direct— I sometimes have a bad temper and end up saying things I shouldn’t. I’ve identified these six different scenarios as triggers… What tips and tricks can I use to avoid being that short?
I’ve read numerous articles about “ChatGPT Doctors” and discussed in detail the concerns surrounding using artificial intelligence for medical advice or treatment through my PR work supporting tech companies and behavioral health organizations. But that’s not what triggered me – it was him getting answers, taking shortcuts to avoid analyzing individual missteps or thinking about what would happen next. Instead, he pressed Enter and received a 30-day Tone Reset Plan.
This annoys me.
Transcript changed my mind
I then read through the conversation and once I got over my inflated sense of self and giving him “respect and even demands because most men just justify it” I started to see things differently.
The author’s husband turned to ChatGPT for relationship advice. Provided by the author
The first is his psychological breakdown and why he reacts the way he does. Because my husband uses AI in every aspect of his life—from personal branding to business strategy help to tracking calories—AI understands him very well on a personal level.
It begins by responding to the fact that because he overcame heart surgery, fights in his youth, and chaotic situations, his nervous system was “wired for intensity,” so his body shifted into threat mode, and when that happened, he went from “caring husband/father to protector/defender” in 0.2 seconds.
When I read this, my feelings reminded me of those triumphant “aha” moments I often get when our therapists reach deep into the depths of our history and extract something from the depths of our history, making a connection that I never thought possible. These moments make the $150/hour price well worth it. In short, I hadn’t analyzed his reaction before, but it all made sense to me.
ChatGPT then told him what his brain was hearing at that moment—the translated version being “I’m not being taken seriously,” “I’m losing control,” or “Something bad is about to happen.” When fear takes over, such as worrying that our children are in danger, it naturally leads to fight or flight mode. This is all a logistical thing, but when I thought about the first part of the response, “feeling unappreciated,” it really focused my attention.
Granted, this isn’t the first time this subject has reared its ugly head, and whether or not his response is justified, it is I Who makes him feel diminished or ignored in some way. ChatGPT made me take a hard look in the mirror, but I wasn’t ready yet.
AI carefully crafted plan
It then goes on to break down the six specific triggers he identified, providing ways to respond in each moment.
For example, when feeling disrespected, an effective way to respond is to say, “Hey, that was a little bit edgy. What did you mean?”
Following concrete examples and a big-picture view of building calm authority, ChatGPT offered to create a 30-day plan for him, “some tactics you can use just like running a short-term rental business.” That line made me laugh and cringe at the same time—because he’s so strategic and likes to think of scenarios as business challenges. It knew exactly how to provide guidance and advice in a way that resonated with him and he actually asked for the program.
The Tone Reset Protocol is divided into four stages: Awareness, Replacement, Nervous System Control, and Leadership. The guide provides a combination of scripts, questions to ask yourself, and specific actions to take. When we sat down to discuss how to move forward, we actually discussed these issues.
Give credit where credit is due
Most men like to solve problems. They are restorers. But, like all of us, sometimes it’s hard to know where to start and how to move forward. What I appreciate is when someone takes the initiative to recognize the problem, look within to find the root cause, and actually seek help. This level of thoughtfulness, whether nurture or nature, is worth celebrating.
So maybe it doesn’t matter where the growth begins. If a conversation with ChatGPT strengthens my marriage, who am I to object?