Hello readers! Shayla Love here, science journalist and long-time fan of Your Mileage May Vary. I was honored to fill in for Siegel Samuels while she was on maternity leave. I delve into your questions to help understand human nature and our choices through multiple lenses, including philosophy and psychology. Please send in any emotional, physical/cerebral, sociological, perceptual, or other types of life dilemmas you may be experiencing.
It’s no secret that I’m a person who struggles with big decisions. Over a year ago I found an amazing partner who very much feels like they could be my soul mate. We had been dating three time zones apart for a while. Being close to our family, community, and elderly parents is a shared value—one that unfortunately makes it difficult to compromise on location. Either way, I had to let go of something I wanted and valued – a wonderful partner with whom I could spend my life (the first time I ever felt that way about someone), or a place I’d always imagined settling down that represented the person I was becoming and the values I wanted to live by. Two good things pulled me in opposite directions, and there wasn’t much room for compromise. How do I make the “right” decision?
You find a place in the world that you feel connected to and You meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Restless and lonely people everywhere are jealous! But since your good fortune seems to be conflicting, it feels like by choosing one, you’re giving up on the other—and dooming your choice to failure. did It feels like a sacrifice.
When circumstances force me to make hard decisions, I dream up a thought experiment: the Many Worlds Interpretation.
In quantum physics, particles behave differently from us mere mortals. For example, an electron can be in multiple places at once before being measured. How is it possible that it is in multiple locations and then observed to be in one location? In the 1950s, American physicist Hugh Everett proposed an explanation: the universe was splitting into different versions, each corresponding to the position of a particle that could be measured. Apply this theory to your life, if you choose to move cities, don’t worry, another universe will be created where you didn’t choose to do so, and you will stay where you are!
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Yes, I know you can’t teleport yourself to such a quantum realm, but there yes Something helpful for thinking about alternative universes. Do you have an immediate reaction to which universe would be unsettling? no live? Keep these messages in mind because you may not end up making a choice based on a clear list of pros and cons.
Psychologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky won a Nobel Prize for pointing out that most of our decisions are not based on reason. People use two systems to make decisions: System 1, which is faster and based on emotion, and System 2, which is more logical and slow. But even slower, more deliberate decisions can be influenced by a number of cognitive biases.
In your case, an approach called loss aversion may be particularly relevant. People tend to worry more about what they will lose, even if what they gain is of equal value. For example, losing a $10 bill from your pocket may feel worse than finding a $10 bill on the ground. This bias also ties into people’s social lives: They will hold on to old, potentially fading friendships because the thought of losing them is too painful, but won’t put the same effort into finding new ones. Or they stay in a Um Because it would be scary to give it up, rather than putting the same energy into finding a new job. Once you accept that your decision-making process will be influenced by confusing feelings and biases, you can give up trying to make the perfect choice.
You framed your question by sharing that you struggled with a big decision, which makes me wonder if you’re just anxious about making choices. this is what is called analysis paralysis. When the outcome is uncertain, anxiety awakens and the voices in your head tell you to avoid taking risks. People suffering from analysis paralysis overthink their options, over-research, and second-guess their first instincts. These behaviors are more related to pressure to commit any Decide rather than what you decide.
A surprising discovery in psychology may ease your paralysis. Researchers tell people to make major life decisions – such as ending a relationship or quitting their job – by tossing a coin. Leaders, they made changes; tails, they didn’t. For those focused on tossing results, those who made the change were overwhelmingly happy, even though their decision to do so was purely accidental. The results of these random flips also suggest that “people may be overly cautious when faced with life-changing choices,” the authors wrote. The coin helped participants resist a bias toward maintaining the status quo, even if it didn’t make them happier.
Paradoxically, what might help you to begin to loosen your paralysis is to introduce more options into the mix. 20th-century French philosopher Jacques Derrida is best known for the concept of deconstruction, a method of analyzing texts or ideas more critically and showing that they are not as stable as they seem. He points out that we often think in binary and false opposites: good and evil, men and women, nature and culture. This can create a simple dichotomy, where one item is good and the other is bad.
You’ve created a binary situation, but you don’t actually have to be in it. What if there was a third or fourth option? What if you and your partner moved to a brand new city and started creating a new community together? What if you and your partner found a way to split your time between your respective hometowns? Now, instead of just having two good things pulling you in opposite directions, you have different options and can be more creative. You also don’t have to stick with the decisions you make now for the rest of your life. You can always move cities again, or try to find another partner.
You are with a partner you love, living somewhere you love. Instead of win-win, you can reframe your situation as a win-win. Remember, you can’t successfully avoid making a decision if you don’t make it – it’s just your choice. Your partner may be tired of the long distance or end the relationship for other reasons. Or, you might start to resent where you live because you have to travel so much to spend time with your partner.
I also want to point out how you describe your partner. If you’ve never felt this way before, don’t turn your nose up at finding someone to spend your life with, especially as you point out. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett has said that there were two most important moments in his life: when he emerged from the womb, and when he met his wife. “What happened to me wouldn’t have happened without her.” Buffett’s sentiment is supported by research showing that people with supportive spouses tend to take on more meaningful challenges throughout their lives and ultimately experience more personal growth and happiness.
Another quantum idea that might interest you is spooky action at a distance. These are two particles that are connected to each other even though they are far apart. Measuring one affects the other, no matter how far apart they are. If your partner feels like your “soulmate,” maybe you’ve become entangled. Don’t worry about making the perfect choice for the next phase of your life, but do make a choice (any choice!) that sees your future as interconnected. For other details, maybe it’s time to flip a coin.
Bonus: What I’m Reading
- I’m currently rewatching twilight saga And recommend the album “Mirror Image”, which tells the story of a young woman who meets her own double in a parallel universe. The show’s creator, Rod Serling, was inspired to write the script after he saw a man at an airport who looked suspiciously like him and was carrying a similar suitcase and jacket. What if he approaches that person and realizes that person is himself? This fantastic story also inspired the film us Author: Jordan Peele.
- The 2026 Nobel Prize in Chemistry has been awarded to Henri B. Kagan and Kenso Soai for their work on “handedness”: how molecules can have mirror-image variants that differ from each other. These variants are dark alters of themselves. Only one type can exist in the body. Science writer Ann Finkbender has written a fascinating article about understanding this principle of life in “Last Words from Nothing.”
- If you haven’t read it yet Stoner Written by John Williams Just put down what you are currently reading and do it. It’s a cautionary tale about what can happen if you don’t take action and let passivity make the choices for you.